Bullies Suck
Pardon my language, but they do.
I don’t like bullies.
I grew up around a lot of bullies. I had a cousin who was a bully. I occasionally got bullied in school. I actually had a lunch lady push several of us against the cafeteria table for talking. My sternum got cracked. But nothing was done because the principal said she was having a bad day, and no one wanted to make waves. When I was 12, a preacher screamed at me about my hidden sins because I wouldn’t respond to his prayers. Most of the bullying from kids was in the form of name calling, but it was relentless for most of my time in school.
Liz also experienced bullying from a family in her neighbourhood in Long Island (the dad was a cop).
Sadly, some of our kids got it worse.
With the Catholic school in Ithaca, we had to have a lawyer contact the principal before any action was taken. We eventually moved the kids to the public school.
In that school, a few girls from a gang attacked another of our daughters. A secretary at the school told us the gang problem worsens in high school, and once a kid is in their sights, the situation is difficult to resolve. The school was largely unresponsive, so we filed a report with the County Sheriffs, and the case went through family court.
Eventually, we sold our house and moved from Ithaca to Trumansburg to get our kids into the neighbouring school district to protect our daughter.
I am not claiming that I or anyone else in my family is perfect. Like everyone reading this, we all have our moments. But no one should have to deal with bullies. No one should deal with people who work to make their lives miserable.
This is feeling fresh today because my youngest daughter hates her school. And she is counting down the days (14) until she can leave and never see that place again. Sadly, some students and adults have worked to make her primary school a hostile environment.
Let me step back first and say that throughout our time at this school, the administration has done everything possible to help our family and daughter. Each administrator has been incredible and helpful throughout. And while our daughter has not always appreciated them, each teacher she has had over the past two years has been fantastic. Likewise, some of our best friends in Ireland have been other parents in the class/school. But it doesn’t take everyone to make a place feel hostile and unwelcoming to a kid.
It doesn’t require a classroom full of bullies for it to feel like a hostile place.
Some of it was just stupid kid stuff. Although most of us have played and enjoyed sports, our family is not known for its athleticism. So, when our daughter tried to join in and play football with the kids, many of whom were in leagues, getting yelled at for being slow or messing up was not enjoyable. So when the kids went to play football, she got a book and found a quiet place to read.
Some of it, though, was just wicked. Before Covid, our daughter had a group of friends. A new kid came to the school, joined the group, and convinced the rest to ignore her. And they did.
When this student was about to move away, there was a combination birthday/going away party, and this little group was invited. At one point, the birthday girl’s father got a camera out to take a photo. He told our daughter to move out of the frame. Imagine your 8-year-old self dealing with that one.
This was a grown man. I have no issues calling that evil.
Why am I thinking about this today?
My wife was driving our daughter to school this morning and played the song, Sweet Home Alabama. Our daughter began getting irritated. When asked why, she shared that this is a song kids in her class sing to mock Americans. We also learned that some in her class, during recess, like to play “School Shooting.”
My daughter was born in the States (Upstate New York). She was born with dual American/Irish citizenship and moved to Dublin when she was 15 months old.
Although she never developed an Irish accent, she only knows life in Dublin.
It sucks that intelligent, kind people have to hate school because of bullies. It sucks that although there are so many amazing people at this school when a bully (or a few) gets someone in their sites, it doesn’t matter. School becomes five and a half hours of keeping your head down, hoping that today you are not seen.
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This was not what I intended to spend my morning on. Even while writing it, I was unsure what to do with it. But it feels similar to what I have been writing regarding abusive leadership. Abusers thrive when their victims stay quiet.
So do bullies.